


The Doctor's Hand

by Clocketpatch



Series: Bloopers from beyond the void! [2]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 19:09:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clocketpatch/pseuds/Clocketpatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>100% real blooper inspired. This story tracks the sexual exploits of the Doctor's Hand.  Jack/Hand, Hand/ well, you'll see.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Doctor's Hand

**Author's Note:**

> * * *

  
Jack hugged his Hand-in-a-jar.

"You know that you're the only one who understands me," he whispered.

The Hand-in-a-jar, being a Hand-in-a-jar, gurgled, and Jack, being not in his right mind, took this as a response.

"I love you too. You know why? 'Cause you taught me to be a better man."

Gurgle.

"What's that? Teach you to be a better Time Lord? I suppose I could."

Jack took the Hand out of its jar and prepared to do things with it that really can't be mentioned in a PG fic. The Hand, being the Doctor's hand originally, had some sense of inbred propriety (as well as a death wish) and smacked Jack before anything nasty could happen.

Jack held the Hand at an arm's length and screamed at it, spittle flying everywhere.

"I thought you loved me!!!!"

It must be restated at this point that Jack was not in his right mind. That said, there was no excuse for him hanging the Hand from a miniature noose and dancing around it in his underwear while chanting a 51st century voodoo curse. When he was finished being weird and emotional about their breakup, Jack flung the Hand into the rift. After doing so he sank to his knees and gave several heart-wrenching sobs before standing up and wandering back to the hub to find Ianto.

They did things that really can't be mentioned in a PG fic.

The hand spiraled downwards through time and space passing galaxies, gofers, and grandfather clocks. A flukey burn of rift energy seared a few particles of Jack's DNA (his spit) into the Hand's genetic make-up. Or maybe it was the voodoo curse. In any case, and for whatever reason, the Hand suddenly became very horny. It regretted slapping Jack. It felt very horny.

So it was, that when the Hand finally tumbled out of the rift, and landed in an Egyptian tomb many years and miles from the place where it had started, it reached out and pinched the first bum it saw.

It was a marvelous bum. The bum of a god.

The Hand was just thinking about proposing when the Doctor went and killed the bum's owner.

Bugger.  


* * *

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
This story archived at <http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?sid=13301>


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